Vampires & White Devils Gone Mad
in the Last Days of Obama
–By Casey Rocheteau
Sooooooooooo what the fuck is up with people acting shocked about Donald Trump? I don’t know why y’all gagging, America brings racism & misogyny to you every season. The #blacklash game has been strong pre-during-post-Obama, and here we are, at what I hope is an apex of this bullshit. I saw a photo today of a Trump rally where a white man was wearing a t-shirt emblazoned with the phrase “Black Guns Matter”. Da fuq? I think most of us can agree that shit is grimy beyond belief, but it’s not surprising. It’s gotten to the point where my mom, a white baby boomer, said that race relations haven’t been this bad since she was a kid. My mom is more woke than Raven Symone, y’all.
While I’d love to keep railing against this shriveled tangerine nightmare, I’m so tired of this honky’s shine. Once he loses and his militiamen try to seize control of America to make it gross again, I’m sure the police will use softcore de-escalation tactics like bribing them with beef jerky to put down their muskets. If these truck-nutted, salt-of-the-underworld lunatics manage to pull off a coup, I’m not moving to another country, I’m sending up a flare into space and getting aboard the next alien vessel to pass over Detroit. The current political climate is one where police can murder black children without so much as having their pay docked, where entire cities can be poisoned, where indigenous people have dogs set on them for protecting water on their own land and the two clowns running for President ain’t finna do a damn thing a bout it.
While I could write several books about white devils gone mad in the last days of Obama, what I really want to talk about vampires. Yeah, we about to go full conspiracy rant, but none of what I’m about to say is speculation, it’s cold fact. Earlier this month I saw a bunch of people talking about boycotting Paypal because Peter Thiel, one of Paypal’s founders, dropped $1.25 million into Trump’s pockets next to some Tic Tacs. I fell down an internet k-hole a while back reading up on this guy because his name came up a lot when Gawker shut down. I won’t take you through that fantastic voyage in full, but as background, dude is a gay white venture capitalist who makes more money than the GDP of several small nations combined. He was Facebook’s first investor, giving them $500,000. Gawker Media used to have a website called Valleywag that once ran an article that gave props to Thiel for being gay and rich af. Dude was out, but apparently took offense to this. He then paid for other people’s lawyers so they could sue and subsequently bury Gawker in legal fees. The most prominent case of this happening was with Hulk motherfuckin Hogan, who couldn’t sue Gawker on his own. This bout of Hulkamania happened after Gawker released parts of a sex tape, which was a double whammy because the Hulkster also said some racist ass shit (on said sex tape). Gawker Media got bought out by Univision, and Gawker itself shuddered its doors. Shortly thereafter, Thiel spoke at the RNC declaring that he was proud to be a #Gay4Trump.
While people were talking about boycotting Paypal, which Thiel is no longer running, I posted something snarky about how dude was a real life supervillian and that $1.25 to the Orange Menace was barely skimming the surface. My friend then hit me with a link that re-opened the gates to the original Google k-hole by saying Thiel was also a vampire. As it turns out, this dude is basically DiCaprio in Wolf of Wall Street meets Kathy Bates in AHS: Coven meets Mr. Burns. Thiel has dropped yet another $500,00, this time into a company called Ambrosia which studies something called parabiosis. Parabiosis is the study of the effects of young blood being transfused into old bodies. It’s among the many ways in which Silicon Valley’s tech elites hope to live forever. It started out as biologists sewing rats’ veins together to study the effects of what happens when you injure an old rat who shares blood with a young rat, and studies have shown that the old rats heal much quicker when they are sewn together with young rats. They’ve now moved on to humans, and for a cool $80,000 people over 35 can pay to be infused with the blood of the young.
Here’s the rub though: parabiosis might actually work. Like, if you out here tryna get booty shots or go to college, you might want to save those dollars and get you some young blood and fix your credit score sometime in the next 200 years. JK this shit is clearly grimy. And there’s an argument that all new innovations in medicine seem crazy at first, Think about convincing someone that penicillin was a good idea: “Look, this moldy bread makes medicine!”. The issue is that this is something that only crazy rich people have access to, and there’s already places in the world where organ harvesting is an actual thing, so what’s next, blood farming in the developing world? Another thing that Thiel is funding is the seasteading institute, which is trying to create floating colonies at sea that are not under the jurisdiction of any nation state. They want to set up off the shores of colonized nations. I’m just saying.
We all know that this election isn’t going to solve any of America’s problems. Shit, we could be at war with Russia 2 years from now. And while that’s happening, the uber rich, the fuckers who actually run this mob are trying to find ways to live forever. And if they figure it out, we are, in a word fucked. The best thing about rich people is the ways in which most of their children are inept, so there’s only so many clever and evil fucks running around at once, and the rich kids of Instagram squander their parents’ money on gold plated uzis and yachts filled with blow. Rich people trying to cheat death isn’t a new idea. David Rockefeller is 100 years old and has had 7(!) heart transplants. My dad was a kidney donor and when he got diagnosed with kidney disease, he had to wait six years for one kidney. Rockefeller basically orders hearts through Amazon Prime at this point. And while rich people gon’ be rich, the thought of somebody like Donald Trump becoming immortal off the blood of the young is terrifying. I don’t know what we can do to fight back against vampires, but if you need me, I’ll be whittling stakes in my underground bunker.